Principles for a good life

When I first heard about non-violent communication, something in my world changed. I was previously exposed to Stephen Covey's book (which I recommended on the page on time management and a few more), and he talked there about empathic listening. Empathic and loving listening is also a key tool in the coaching process I have learned. But it was only when I went through my first non-violent communication workshop that things really worked out. Things that bothered me before were suddenly given a framework, clear boundaries, and the seemingly simple process that this language offers became effective. I gained a much clearer understanding of how I would like to conduct myself in the world. But between theory and practice there is a huge gap. In theory everything worked out wonderfully for me. In reality it was much much harder to implement. All these feelings ... all the patterns embedded from childhood ... all these habits ... it requires processing, training, practice, self-acceptance, self-compassion and a lot of "failures" along the way. So, if this interests you, you can learn the theory from the presentations, there are full of videos on YouTube, read the recommended book, but in my opinion there is tremendous value in going through a workshop experience (there are some famous on the Facebook page of the community for NVC ), and practice, a lot, in any situation. There is no substitute for it, and the outcome is so satisfying ... So here's some some background:

 

NVC or non-violent communication is an approach that was developed in the 60s of the 20th century by Dr. Marshall in. Rosenberg , for efficient, constructive, and satisfying relationships management (interpersonal , in-person, and between groups and countries) .The principles of the approach are simple and immediately applicable, but due to our past stipulations it is relatively difficult to internalize. The NVC avoids violence as much as possible, and defines at a higher resolution what violence is and how to avoid it.

 

Dr. Marshall used two figures - the jackal and the giraffe - to illustrate the difference between a close communication and a distancing communication. The giraffe represents the NVC: it has a large heart, it is considerate to others' animas needs (eats the high leaves and leaves the lower ones for the shorter animals), is tall and sees far and therefore anticipates problems and gives them a solution in advance, but is assertive when necessary. The jackal on the other hand barks and howls, therefore it distances others, and when there are problems it attacks or runs away. 

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The NVC has a simple and easy-to-implement model, and it includes four steps:

1. Observation (free from interpretation / assessment) - a description of the situation as perceived by the speaker's senses.

2. Emotion (different from thought / interpretation / appreciation) - a physical feeling that is felt in the body which is the mood of the person. For example: "Disappointment, joy, anger, excitement ...".

3. Need - an essential resource that humans or living beings need for the sake of physical or spiritual existence. All human needs are universal. For every need there are several ways to fill. For example: "Peace, tranquility, food, security, freedom, creativity, authenticity, love, connection, community, meaning ...".

4. Request (as opposed to a demand / claim) - a clear description of an act or conduct that the other may do, in order to fulfill (at least in part) the need described.

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The model can be applied through three possible choices:

1. Self-connection - to allow self-empathy by asking myself about the situation, what I felt in it and what my needs were at that moment, and asking myself a clear request.

2. An honest and assertive self-expression - express myself by describing the situation in a way that is free from interpretation and judgment, describing feelings and needs, and formulating a clear, positive and feasible request.

3. Empathic listening to the other - Active listening by asking questions, reflecting, and guessing feelings and needs.

 

Non-violent communication can exist in three dimensions:

1. Worldview - Identifying violence, what is not good for me, what my needs are and which of them are not met

2. Language - a language that brings people closer instead of distancing them

3. Practical - a practical tool of the four stages, empathy and listening.

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See links, full presentation, useful printable pages and recommendation for a book to deepen on the right.

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